slothpack.com

After nearly a year of traveling across the vast Atlantic O-chin, the sloths landed in the magical land of Newark, New Jersey. They all realized it smelled like a fart, much like Gary, Indiana, and soon left that place to traverse to Delaware. While in Delaware, they met Crimson Sloth, Lumber Sloth, and Walter Sloth (who later dropped Walter and just became the Sloth. There was a while where he went as & (pronounced ‘the sloth formerly known as the Sloth, formerly known as Walter’), but he switched back to the Sloth after much controversy). Anyways, the seven sloths became beeeeest friends until some stuff went down. They all remained friends, but expanded their horizons and became colleagues with several other animals. As for David Bowie, he and Mr. Tumnus had a lovely chat with Alan Alda and Keith Moon over cups of tea. And no one lived unhappily ever after.

THE END

Our story is not a happy one.

PART 1 THE BEGINNING

Once upon a time in the Hinterlands of Scotland, there lived a lonely sloth named Ginger. Ginger Sloth was the only sloth for miles around. She searched far and wide throughout the hinterlands, the lowlands, and the highlands for another sloth who was like her, amiably hard core. For years, Ginger Sloth traveled the country side and yet found no one, except for some angry leprechauns.

She traveled across the way to the island of Ireland, where she met the nicest leprechaun sloth named Weezy. One night, while they were asleep, David Bowie came to her in a dream and said, “Wake up!” So she did. She saw in the distance approaching fast, another sloth carrying newspapers and a funky, funky bass guitar, which was approved by dream Bowie. He gave her the Sunday paper and said his name was Funky. Funky Sloth, Weezy Sloth, and Ginger Sloth became friends over the course of the next 23 minutes. Weezy Sloth then made some rhetorical comments about the economic situations which Ireland was currently facing. At that exact moment, Mr. Tumnus, who was the ruler of Ireland, magically apparated nearby. The fawn with no pants, but a lovely scarf, exclaimed “Stuff you!” Weezy proceeded to make some racist comments which cannot be repeated here. Tumnus backhanded the asthmatic sloth and sentenced the friends to death by potatoes. “So much starch!” exclaimed Funky. At that moment, Funky’s brother, Rain, came to the rescue.

Rain resided in the small English village of Murrayshire. It was 2:38 and Rain was busy with his mid-afternoon routine of punching horses in the face. After he had thoroughly bloodied the nose of all two horses in Murrayshire, he pronounced, “I just remembered something!” While not immediately apparent what Rain remembered, he at once began to sprint due east toward the sea. After circumnavigating the globe (rather than heading several miles west) he arrived onshore of the Emerald Isle. Upon swimming ashore, Rain muttered “Stupid compass, always pointing north…” and headed for a nearby pub where he had left his favorite rock. On his way to the pub, he heard the cries of his brother, still being potatoed by a now-exhausted fawn and his bearded colleagues. Rain immediately told Tumnus to stuff it, before jumping into the pile of potatoes. 38 days later, Rain had eaten his way through to Funky and his friends. Rain had eaten so many potatoes, and they were all gone.

This inspired the Sloths to move to free country USA. They rode on the Wings of David Bowie to freedom. Many adventures were yet to come in this strange new world where potatoes were not highly valued.

TO BE CONTINUED